Stone #7: Restore Peace in Place of Suffering Part I

I love this description from Tony Robbins about suffering. “All suffering comes from the focus on self. Therefore, suffering is selfishness, and we all do it. The mind will always find something to suffer over if you give it enough time. But when you think of other people, growing and contributing, you don’t suffer because you’re not in your own head and mind. You’re in your heart or soul or spirit.”

The emotional pain and suffering of losing a loved one is indescribable, and the depth of it is also different for everyone. Often, grievers equate love and pain. Some grievers have bought into the idea that the depth of pain equals the depth of love a person had for his or her loved one. But doing so manifests as survivor’s guilt. This leaves a griever believing that the only way to honor their loved one is to be in constant pain, which leads to suffering. This guilty feeling that a person shouldn’t be happy keeps him or her stuck in grief and pain. If a griever lets go of the pain, they may also feel as if they are losing a part of themselves. The griever endures the pain, suffering without hope of a happy life. 

The pain and suffering of losing a loved one are inevitable. But there is a difference between the two. Pain is the body's response to injury and to the perception that something is wrong. Suffering is a choice based on how we interpret and cope with pain and the mental and emotional anguish we add to that pain through resistance, negative stories, judgments, and resisting reality. The key difference is that pain (like a stubbed toe) is a direct input, whereas suffering (like getting angry at yourself for stubbing your toe) arises from the mind's reaction, making it optional even when pain is present.

Suffering is a choice that includes rumination, self-pity, anger, fear, and anxiety. They are self-inflicted and can be more damaging than the original pain itself. How long a person suffers is up to them. I’ll use people's reactions to physical pain as an analogy to help you better understand that suffering is a choice. 

A man hurts his back. Instead of scheduling a visit to the doctor, he decides to tough it out and take Advil. Days and weeks go by, and the back still hurts. The man chose suffering over visiting the doctor to determine the cause of the pain and the options available to remove the pain and heal. 

I know people with bad knees or a hip who kept delaying the surgery and tolerated the pain for months, sometimes years. After the surgery, a common comment I’ve heard is, I should have had the knee surgery years ago. 

Pain is inevitable and unavoidable. It is a part of life. And DJ Shipley, a highly decorated former U.S. Navy SEAL and founder of the tactical gear and training company GBRS Group, shares a valuable lesson about pain that I feel applies to helping people who have lost a loved one manage their grief. 

Life is either going to put you on the anvil of pain, where it is smashing the shit out of you, and all you can think about is how to get off, or you can place yourself on the anvil of pain and sharpen yourself in order to be able to expose the greater capacity you have to endure the pain.

Although suffering is unavoidable, it plays an important role in a person’s happiness. A question I hear from people is Why must a person suffer? 

The reason is best explained by Thich Nhat Hanh, Without suffering, there's no happiness. This sentiment is a central theme in his Buddhist teachings and appears in his book No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering. He used the metaphor, "no mud, no lotus," to illustrate how one cannot have happiness without experiencing suffering, just as a lotus flower cannot bloom without the mud from which it grows.

Yes, suffering is often considered an inescapable part of life, as expressed in various philosophies and religious traditions, but it can also serve as a catalyst for growth, compassion, and resilience. While the Buddhist concept of the Four Noble Truths acknowledges that life inherently involves suffering, many perspectives differentiate between the unavoidable experiences of pain and a more prolonged, self-inflicted suffering that can be mitigated by changing one's mindset and expectations

Hanh’s lesson is that happiness gains depth, meaning, and appreciation through contrast with hardship; suffering isn't something to seek, but facing challenges builds resilience and makes joy more profound, much like darkness highlights light, creating a richer human experience and deeper contentment. It's a core idea in wisdom traditions (such as Buddhism and Stoicism), suggesting that true fulfillment comes from embracing life's full spectrum rather than avoiding pain.

I appreciate Evelyn Blair's explanation of the purpose of suffering.

Life is about fully experiencing it, even the parts that challenge you to grow. You’re meant to enjoy, learn, and be shaped by suffering in the same way you are by pleasure. Suffering isn’t separate from life; it’s a part of life. Suffering isn’t here to break you. It’s here to train you, sharpen your perspective, and deepen your understanding of life. Happiness and pleasure feel like a reward, but struggle builds character, discipline, and emotional strength. Once you accept suffering as part of the process, you stop asking why this is happening to me and start asking what this suffering moment is preparing you for. Life isn’t meant to keep you happy all the time. It means making you fully aware and capable of handling whatever comes next. 

I also like Mel Robbins’s comments about being stuck It also applies to suffering. I’m sharing it again because it bears repeating. However, this time I edited it to apply to suffering.

What people don’t understand is that suffering is tied to a fundamental need for personal growth…. Suffering is not a permanent state; it is a signal from your soul that there is something you need to do. Your mind, body, and soul operate on a system of signals. It’s how you know what you need,,,,,,,,, If you feel thirsty, you need water. If you feel lonely, you need companionship. If you feel cold, you need shelter. If you feel hungry, you need food. And if you feel stuck, you need growth. When you’re thirsty, you don’t have a panic attack; you just get a glass of water. The next time you feel suffering is getting the best of you, recognize it’s a signal you need to grow, and do something today to show your soul that you’re listening.

Suffering is a choice, and so is healing!

In the next blog, Restore Peace in Place of Suffering, I will share how to heal from grief.