Stone #8 Help Other People Heal Part I

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. - Mahtma Gandhi

Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering. Not a career. Not wealth. Not intelligence. Not status. We have to feel for one another if we’re going to survive with dignity. - Audrey Hepburn 

Once you feel comfortable talking about grief any time, any place, Stone #8: Help Other People Heal is the second most important and toughest to practice. The reason is that a person caught up in their own pain struggles to see the bigger picture. Therefore, it’s imperative to step back and view the healing process of grief as a whole rather than focusing on individual details and obstacles that will prevent you from reaching the goal of managing grief and healing with grace, peace, and harmony.

What also makes it difficult for people to see the bigger picture is that most people don’t understand the difference between sympathy and empathy. Some people act as if they are the same. 

Just as people struggle to talk about grief, they also struggle to practice the one thing a primary griever desires from others: empathy. This is because people misunderstand empathy and view it as a one-way street. As I mentioned earlier, empathy is a two-way street.

Here are some examples of how people misunderstand and don’t practice empathy in its simplest form on a daily basis.

Example 1: A man is driving down the road when he sees a man or woman with a flat tire. As he drives past the car, in his mind, he says, I feel sorry for that person. I hope he or she finds help soon and gets their tire fixed. That is sympathy.

Empathy is when the person driving by stops and either helps the person change the tire or waits until a tow truck or a police officer shows up to ensure their safety. Example 2: Every day, people driving their cars need to change lanes to reach their destination. What often happens, especially in cities with high-density traffic, is that a driver in the other lane does more to prevent a person from changing lanes than to allow them to enter the lane. It only takes a few seconds to give someone the right of way. Yet, people struggle to practice it. 

If people can’t practice something as simple as giving up a few seconds to let another driver into their lane so he or she can reach his or her destination, then the chances of practicing empathy for people who have lost a loved one are very slim. 

Another difference between sympathy and empathy is that sympathy is a short-term action, whereas empathy is a long-term action. Empathy is about making time out of your schedule and taking action to comfort another person.

After a death, people immediately offer condolences, send flowers, and provide support. That is sympathy. Eventually, the calls and visits gradually dissipate. People move on with their lives. Eventually, the grieving person finds themselves alone.

Examples of empathy include:

Giving the griever permission to cry whenever they wish.

When a person respects the way another person grieves and offers long-term support.

When someone encourages and allows a person who has lost a loved one to share how they feel, and gives permission to discuss their hurt whenever they need an open ear. 

When a person accompanies another person to visit their loved one’s grave. When you invite another person who is grieving to accompany you to a grief support group.

Empathy is a two-way street. Remember the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The same is true with empathy. Practice empathy the way you’d like others to practice it with you.

If you practiced empathy for another person who knew your loved one or lost a loved one, please share how in the comment section.

In the next blog, I will share my personal story of how I overcame the selfish side of grief and also practiced empathy and helped someone else with their grief - my youngest son and Wesley’s younger brother, Matthew.