Stone #8: Help Other People Heal Part II
Taking time away from one’s grief to help other people heal is part of the healing process. Here is my personal story to illustrate how to overcome the selfishess of grief and practice empathy.
Three months before Wesley passed away, Matthew and I had made plans to travel to India together. Matt had signed a contract to play professional volleyball for the Calicut Heroes in India. I had visited Matt in other countries, but I stayed with him for only two weeks. This time, I plan to stay for the whole season. Matt also invited me to travel with him after the volleyball season.
After Wesley passed away on December 18, 2022, I had second thoughts about traveling to India with Matt. I struggled with how and when to tell Matt that I would either cut my trip to India short or cancel it. Like every parent who loses a child, I was so caught up in my grief and pain that I ignored the fact that Matt was also grieving. But thanks to Bridget Bagley, the passing of Preston’s Charm, and the book we wrote together, Preston’s Charm, I was able to overcome my selfish behavior. In the book Preston’s Charm, as I noted in Chapter 5, Bridget and I devoted a chapter to what experts refer to as the Forgotten Mourners.
I vividly remember the day the light bulb went on in my head. It was during a phone call with Matt. Before he called, I was rehearsing how I would break the news to Matt about shortening or canceling the trip to India. Then the phone rang. It was Matt.
The excitement in his voice as he explained our itinerary made me realize I couldn’t cancel the trip. Matt was also mourning Wesley’s death. The trip together would do both of us some good to help us cope with the grief and, more importantly, be there for each other as we try to move forward in our lives without Wesley. In addition, how many parents have adult children who invite them to join a 10-week trip around the world and also plan the itinerary and budget? Not many.
One month after Wesley’s death, Matt and I departed for India on January 21, 2023, two weeks before the start of the Prime Volleyball League. Matt departed from Los Angeles, and I from Montgomery, Alabama. The PVL is a four-week volleyball tournament in which 8 professional Indian volleyball teams compete for the PVL Championship in three different cities. The tournament began on February 4th and ended on March 4th.
To show you how popular men’s professional volleyball is in India compared to the USA, the viewership numbers for the Prime Volleyball League the year before were. 113.9 million. The year Matt played, the PVL is expected to reach over 200 million people.
Two days after I arrived in India, Matt confirmed that I had made the right decision in traveling with him.
Dad, I brought some of Wesley’s ashes with me. While we are in India, we can find a good place to leave him.
What a great son and brother! I didn’t even think about bringing some of Wesley’s ashes.
Throughout the PVL season, Matt, who was named team captain, and I received VIP treatment. Matt’s photo was posted on billboards, buses, posters, and the walls of buildings and the gyms. I received a VIP pass, a seat on the Calicut Heroes’ team bus, a seat in the luxury box, breakfast, lunch, and dinner with the team, the team party, access to the VIP lounge, and the VIP party after the PVL Championship Match. I also appeared on India’s national sports channel. I was interviewed on center court before the first match and outside the stadium after the Calicut Heroes won their first match. During the first interview, the sportscaster introduced Matt as Captain America and me as Daddy Volleyball. It earned us celebrity status for the remainder of our time in India.
The Calicut Heroes started the season with a bang, holding on to first place for three weeks with an 8-1 record and becoming the first team to secure a playoff spot. Unfortunately, Matt injured himself two games before the playoffs, and the Calicut Heroes lost in the semifinal round.
About midway through the season, I proposed an idea to Matt. We’re already halfway around the world. How about we cancel our return tickets to America and keep going around the world?
Matt agreed.
We didn’t care about losing our money on the return trip home because you can’t put a price on a father-son trip around the world. We chose Vietnam as our next stop before returning home to the USA.
After the PVL season, Matt and I visited three other cities, including New Delhi, to see the Taj Mahal. While we were there, I asked Matt where we would leave Wesley’s ashes. Not here, Dad. I want to leave Wesley’s ashes in Vietnam.
Initially, I was disappointed. I thought it would be a good idea to have his ashes interred in India, as cremation is a deeply ingrained ritual there. Again, I was acting selfishly. I only thought about what I desired. Thankfully, I set my ego and feelings aside again and practiced empathy for Matt.
Matt had brought Wesley’s ashes. He had been carrying the baggie in his backpack during the trip, and he supported my tagging along on this 10-week trip around the world and planning all the itineraries. I felt he deserved to decide when and where to release his ashes. I’m glad I did because Matt found the perfect place in Vietnam.
Matt and I rented scooters in Mũi Né, a beach resort town. It was a picture-perfect, bright, clear, sunny day with calm waters and a calm breeze. On the side of the highway facing the beach was a small park with palm trees, and in front of it was an open area with 6 large, colorful letters and a heart-shaped statue. The letter “I” was followed by a heart and the letters “M-U-I -N-E.” Each of them is 8 feet tall, secured to the concrete, and spaced 6 feet apart. The first letter “I” was orange. The “heart" was purple. The letter “M” was yellow. The letter “U” was blue. The letter “I” was red. And the letter “N” was green.
Matt and I parked the scooters and walked down the stairs to a beautiful shoreline that stretched out for miles. There were no people on the beach or at the park. Matt, Wesley, and I had the place to ourselves. After Matt handed me Wesley’s ashes, I stood frozen in time, gazing out into the South China Sea.
Before I released some of Wesley’s ashes into the sea, I gave him one last kiss. It wasn’t a goodbye kiss, but a thank-you kiss, and one for his spirit to carry with him and eventually return to me when our souls meet in Heaven. As my tears slowly expressed sadness for Wesley’s death, they quickly turned into happy tears.
After I released Wesley’s ashes, I walked over to Matt, hugged him, and said, I love you.”Thanks for being a good son and brother.
Then Matt took his turn, placing some of Wesley’s ashes in the South China Sea. As I watched Matt release some of Wesley’s ashes, I felt blessed and grateful to share this moment with him. I was so proud of Matt.
Unlike me, Matt is more of an introvert than an extrovert. He doesn’t feel comfortable openly sharing and verbalizing his true feelings. But his actions speak louder than words. However, Matt's feelings are profound and eloquent. A prime example is the post he wrote on his Facebook page about Wesley after we returned to the USA.
You were never able to speak a single word, but you taught me more about life than anyone ever will. Even though we were prepared for your passing, it didn’t make it any easier. However, I can only cry tears of joy knowing your spirit is finally free to walk or even run through the cosmos, no longer shackled by your inept human body. Rest in peace, Wes, until we meet again.
But our father-son story doesn’t end here.
Six months later, Matt traveled to Thailand and Japan, which included a return visit to India. One week after Matt arrived in India, he sent me a text message with a video of him placing Wesley’s ashes in the Ganges River.
Because I let go of my grief and practiced empathy with Matt, my dream of leaving Wesley’s ashes in India came true.
If I had canceled the trip, Matt would have been another forgotten mourner statistic, and, more importantly, I would never have experienced the wonderful memories I shared with him in India or traveled around the world with him.
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