Why and How Men Grieve Differently: It’s Not Wrong, It’s Different

Men and women are biologically different for a good reason. Therefore, they grieve differently. The differences are there to complement each other. Unfortunately, in the last few decades, the differences have created a gender war and divided families and people.

Here are a few stories from men about how different they are.

I worked as a facilitator at hospitals that hosted expectant dads programs. The format was an open discussion. The dads who attended this program broke the stereotype that “men don’t share their feelings.” The truth is that they will if they feel safe and that they can trust the people in the room. Within the first hour, the dads who had met for the first time bonded and openly discussed the challenges they faced as first-time fathers, how they truly felt, and their fears.

Some of you may wonder how these scenarios relate to grief. The new fathers are mourning the loss of their lives as husbands and married couples. Bringing a child into the world changes the dynamics of the marriage and relationship between a man and a woman. Secondly, every time a mother criticizes or devalues her role and perspective as a father, or doesn’t embrace her feelings about being a first-time father, she discourages him from participating in his role. He eventually shuts down, isolates himself, and begins grieving the loss of time he could be spending with the baby and being an involved father.

With each open discussion group I facilitated, I made a painful, sad, and heart-wrenching discovery. While all the dads who attended felt safe interacting with the other dads, they didn’t feel safe at home or at work. There are many reasons that are too lengthy to explain in this book, but I will briefly share some of them with the comments I received from dads.

Before I do, here is a story shared by Shawn McBride in December of 2025. It sadly shows that, decades after I began my role as a facilitator in small, open discussion groups, men still feel their homes are not safe places to share their feelings. Shawn is a counselor with the Couples Counseling Center. It provides a safe, confidential space offering professional, genuine, practical, and wisdom-filled counseling/therapy for couples dating, engaged, or married. During one of his sessions, he had a man who spoke for an hour, and after he finished, he said, I’ve never been in a place where it made me feel like what I thought mattered. I don’t get this at home.

Many of the dads shared that when they are at home and ready to offer their help or insights on parenting, their wives play the "mother knows best" card because she gave birth to the baby. 

I’d like to note that just because a mom gave birth to the baby doesn't mean she is an expert in caring for a baby or child. A mother once told me that she hated the expectations society placed on her. After she had given birth to the baby, she had no idea what to do or how to care for the baby. She was just as scared as her husband. And she learned to be a mom through trial and error, figuring it out over time.

I served as the primary caregiver for 20 years while my ex-wife worked. I performed my role exceptionally well and enjoyed every minute as the stay-at-home dad. Further evidence is the growing number of at-home dads over the last four decades. It has grown so much that in 2026, the At-Home Dad Convention (HomeDadCon) will celebrate its 30th anniversary in Chicago, Illinois.

Here are the comments from the dads.

Dad #1: No matter what I do to try to help, in my wife’s eyes, it’s never right because it’s not done a mother’s way. But I’m a father. I don’t know how to do it a mother’s way. So, I just stopped helping and telling my wife how I really feel…. It’s better not to bring it up than to deal with her negative responses and make me feel like an inept parent.

Dad #2: Sometimes when I arrive home after a hard day’s work to provide for and feed my family and pay the bills, I want to express how tired I am and what a frustrating day I had. When I do, my wife jumps back at me with, 'Yeah, right, you had a tough day! What about my day with the baby? I’m exhausted, too!”

I was hoping to receive compassion, a hug, and/or a bit of empathy from my wife. Instead, I received a lecture and criticism and felt less valued as a father. So, I stopped sharing how I feel with my wife… And now she complains that I don’t share my feelings.

Unknowingly and unintentionally, these wives were enabling their husbands and fathers of their children to “not” help with the childcare duties and share their feelings.

These examples are not a criticism of the mothers but rather how this behavior is ingrained into our culture by the constant stereotyping that women are better caregivers than men. And that is far from the truth. Men parent differently, just like they grieve differently. It’s not wrong. Just different!

Here is an example of how men and women parent differently. Why am I including this in a grief book? Because it’s relevant in understanding why men grieve differently.

A mom’s priorities while caring for a child differ from a man’s. When a mother is with a child, her top priorities are the child's health, the home's cleanliness, and the child's attire. A man’s top priorities are to have fun with the child, to entertain the child and himself, and to give the child independence. Men are often simple when it comes to caring for a child. I will use dressing a child as an example.

When I dressed my child, I focused on one thing: the weather. Is it cold or warm outside? I grab the first pair of pants and a t-shirt or shirt I see and dress my child. I don’t care if it’s color coordinated. My only concern is ensuring the child is comfortable. Most moms view their child’s dress as a reflection of how good a mother they are. Most dads don’t care about or judge other parents based on how their children are dressed.

A mom once asked me why having fun with a child is a dad’s number one priority. I answered: "Most men work 40 to 50 hours a week, Monday through Friday. This means a dad has limited time over the weekend to spend with his child. He wants to make the most of that time to enjoy fatherhood, have fun with his child, and ensure the child enjoys it as well.

Another mom asked me why I let my son wear the same t-shirt to bed and wear it the next day. I had two words for her - less laundry. Over a hundred years ago, people wore the same clothes for several days, and they survived.

One difference in grieving is that men shed fewer tears in public than women do. How a person grieves shouldn’t be measured by the number of tears.

Men also struggle to share their feelings even in a safe place. Just because they don’t express it the way a woman does doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s just different.

Even though men grieve differently, they want the same things a woman desires as they manage their grief - empathy, love, an open ear, and a hug!

In the next blog, I will share a powerful and amazing grief essay by Nancy Linn, How I Overcame a Miscarriage of Grief Justice

In the meantime, another reminder that I’m inviting people who have lost a loved one to submit an essay for the next Let’s Talk Grief book. Here are the guidelines and instructions.

Instructions and Guidelines

There is “no fee” to submit the essay. My goal is to collect 50 essays.

The author must submit their essay through the “Let’s Talk Grief™” website’s “Get In Touch” Form located on the Home Page above the photo at http://www.letstalkgrief.org. In the form, the author can paste their essay and include a written statement of permission for publication on the Let’s Talk Grief Blog. If I select their essay for the book, I will request another permission letter, as I did in the first Let's Talk Grief book, with the 20 contributors sharing 50% of the royalties from book sales with the 50 contributors.

Anyone who submits an essay will receive a FREE Digital copy of the first “Let’s Talk Grief” book.

Please don't worry about grammar or writing skills. Just write from the heart. I will review and edit the essay, then send it back to you for your review, edits, and approval.

You have the freedom to write whatever you like about your grief experience. Write the essay in Times New Roman, 12-point font, and with double spaces, word count between 1,000 and 1,500 words. I will make exceptions for essays with more than 1,500 words. Deadline for submission is July 30, 2026.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. 

Thank you for your time. 

Together, Let’s Break the Silence and Heal With Grace, Peace, and Harmony