The Dark and Bright Sides of Grief and How to Treat Grief As An Ally

The loss of a loved one, as well as our own death, is inevitable, and so is the grief process. Yet, when it happens, most people are emotionally unprepared and only view grief as a tragedy and disaster. Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to grief. There is a dark side and a bright side.

The dark side of grief is fueled by grievers who act and remain angry, sad, fearful, resentful, and jealous; act like a victim; play the blame game; treat grief like a competition (when a person insists that their grief is worse than others); resist help and support; and don’t feel the need for personal growth.

The upside of grief, which people rarely address, discuss, or practice, involves letting go of the aforementioned list of negative emotions and replacing them with positive ones, as described by the 8 Stones I created, and, more importantly, being willing to do the work and make the necessary changes for personal growth and to change one’s attitude. To help with the latter, here is a great quote from Charles Swindoll, one that I have lived by my whole life.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... We are in charge of our attitudes.

The grief of losing a loved one is inevitable. There is no way to avoid it. Nobody chooses grief. However, how a person grieves is a choice. A person can view grief as either a burden and an enemy or a benefit and an ally.

Here is a story to illustrate this perspective.

Two salesmen wake up one morning.

Salesman #1: It’s pouring rain outside. I’m not going to make a sale today. 

Salesman #2: Let’s go, Baby! It’s pouring rain outside. You know what that means? Every house I knock on is gonna have a customer inside. Today’s going to be an amazing day of sales!

Change the narrative of grief, and you change the outcome.

Which narrative would your loved one who passed away like to see you choose?

Your grief. Your decision.

Here is a quote and another example to help you view grief through a different lens and as an ally.

Triggers are a part of grief and feel like storms that disrupt a person’s life as they mourn the loss of their loved one. While people tend to associate storms only with devastation and destruction, Brazilian author Paul Coelho offers this perspective: “Not all storms come to disrupt your life.” Some come to clear your path.

What Coelho’s quote suggests is that while many difficulties, like grief, seem to be destructive, some challenges are actually necessary to remove obstacles and make way for a better future. Grief is a natural and inevitable part of life because it is the human response to loss, and loss is unavoidable. It is the process of adapting to a new reality without someone or something deeply loved or important, and it serves as a testament to the depth of our connections and the pain they entail. Therefore, grief serves a valuable purpose in our lives. As long as a person opens their mind to viewing grief as an ally and asset.

Another way to view grief is to consider how bison and cattle react to a storm. When a storm approaches, the cattle panic and run away from it. In so doing, they spend more time in the storm, endure more rain, more fear, more misery, and drag out their own suffering. Yes, eventually, the storm will pass them, but in doing so, they exhaust themselves. The same is true with grief. Constantly running away from it is exhausting. 

Bison, however, run directly into and through the storm. And because of this head-on approach, the storm moves over them faster. The bison spend less time in the storm and experience less pain, less chaos, less turmoil, and less suffering. 

So why do primary grievers continue to feel sad and stay stuck in their grief, pain, anger, and the bad side of grief?

I believe there are three main reasons. The first is that people’s primary focus is to make the grief disappear. Secondly, people refuse to do the work of healing from grief. Thirdly, people are waiting for someone else to help them out of the abyss of grief. The truth is that your grief is your grief, and nobody but you can control your grief or help you escape the grief abyss. Therefore, embracing grief as an ally requires owning your grief, holding yourself accountable for your grief, and working on personal growth. 

The first step in embracing grief as an ally is to accept that it will never disappear. No matter how hard you try to hide or not talk about grief, it will always remain with you for the rest of your life. If a person resists embracing grief, like quicksand, the more a person resists, the more he or she sinks further and further into the grief abyss. 

In case you didn’t know, a person can escape quicksand by themselves. You can Google how to escape quicksand and read the steps you can take to free yourself from quicksand.

Some of the strategies are applicable to helping someone escape the abyss of grief. 

Some of you might question, “Shouldn’t I ask for help?”

Yes, but only if you’re ready to embrace grief as an ally. If you’re only halfway out of the grief abyss, help from other people will not lift you out. And people don’t want to help those who act like victims and don’t do the work. As you lift yourself out of the grief abyss, people will help you.

While being stuck is not a good place to be, there is a way to escape the abyss of grief. Everyone will experience being stuck at some level; it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. The problem isn’t being stuck. But rather, because people view it as a helpless, hopeless situation.

Mel Robbins provides fabulous insight into what being stuck really means. She is the author of a book I highly recommend you read: The Let Them Theory. Some of what she shares is applicable to managing grief. Here is the remedy she provides for being stuck. 

What people don’t understand is that being stuck is tied to a fundamental need for personal growth…. Feeling stuck is not a permanent state; it is a signal from your soul that you need to do something. Your mind, body, and soul operate on a system of signals. It’s how you know what you need,,,,,,,,, If you feel thirsty, you need water. If you feel lonely, you need companionship. If you feel cold, you need shelter. If you feel hungry, you need food. And if you feel stuck, you need growth. When you’re thirsty, you don’t have a panic attack; you just get a glass of water. The next time you feel stuck, recognize it’s a signal you need to grow, and do something today to show your soul that you’re listening.

I believe human beings are designed to grow, and when you stop growing, you get stuck. 

If you’re ready to embrace grief as an ally, then it’s time to write a personal growth plan for yourself and, more importantly, a commitment to following through. Your personal growth plan will help you manage and process grief in a healthy, productive way. Accepting and doing the work for personal growth isn’t easy. Oftentimes, people make excuses. An excuse is nothing more than a feel-good way to subconsciously cover up the lack of accountability and play the victim. When you stop making excuses and playing the victim, you become the creator of your reality and new life.

To be continued in the next Blog, in which I will share what it means to do the work and a list of key factors that are crucial to creating a personal growth plan to help you embrace grief as an ally.