Guest Blog by Jolie Hackworth

Overcoming the Guilt and Moving Forward With Life by Jolie Hackworth (Published in Preston’s Charm, June 2024.)

Jolie and her husband Ronald

My son, Jonathon Hackworth, grew up in Carmel, Indiana, and attended Carmel Clay Schools from K-12. He cherished his friendships and created meaningful memories. His favorite teacher was Ms. Aletto. Ms. Aletto led the students in the O Ambassador’s Club, a joint project of Oprah’s Angel Network and Free the Children, launched in 2007. Jon helped organize a carnival at the school to raise money for a school in Africa. 

Ms. Aletto called Jon “Governor” because he was elected class Governor during their government unit, which always made him smile. Jon played in the Carmel Dad’s Club, baseball, basketball, and soccer throughout elementary school. But his passion was music. He was gifted with incredible musical talent and played the acoustic and electric guitar. Some of his favorite musicians are Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, and Eric Clapton.  He graduated from Carmel High School with outstanding grades in 2017.

Jon always dreamed of becoming a soldier. His focus never wavered, and his desire to serve his country in the US Army. In high school, he was a member of the Military Club. He told his grandmother that he had long wanted to enlist in the Army and believed it would provide him with the life skills he lacked. Jon trained at Fort Huachuca, Arizona, as an Unmanned Aircraft Systems Repairer. He graduated from A Battery, 1st Battalion, 79th Field Artillery Basic Combat Training, Class #55-17 “Spartans” in Fort Sill, Oklahoma, on September 17, 2017.

Seargeant Jonathon Hackworth

After Basic Training, he first went to Fort Huachuca, Arizona, for training, then was assigned to Fort Liberty, NC. The Army transferred him to Fort Bragg, North Carolina, and assigned him to the Military Intelligence Company Group Support Battalion of the 3rd Special Forces Group, Airborne, where he worked on the Shadow UAV.

In April 2020, he completed leadership training and was promoted to Sergeant. Jon’s leaders were impressed by his commitment, mastery of his duties, and the skills that propelled him to this position so quickly. Before he began his service in the Army, Jon’s dad and I divorced after 20 years of marriage, and Jon had relationship conflicts with his dad. 

In 2018, his dad had a large ischemic stroke, which left him paralyzed on one side. The stroke caused damage to his cognitive skills, which left him unable to talk, reason, and communicate the way he had before the stroke. Although Jon did get to visit with his dad the last Christmas he spent at home, he was never able to resolve the conflicts he had with his dad. Jon’s dad passed away in April 2019 from cardiac arrest, while Jon was deployed in Syria. The Army gave Jon permission to return for a few days and attend his father’s funeral service. However, he didn’t have enough time to grieve his dad’s death with us because he had orders from the Army to return to Fort Bragg.

While Jon was mourning his father’s death, he also dealt with marital issues. His wife and her parents constantly pressured Jon to create a lifestyle he couldn’t afford on his military salary. This sparked heated arguments between Jon and his wife, which in turn increased Jon’s frustration. During a telephone conversation with his grandmother one evening, Jon said, “I don’t think I can put up with her family anymore.”

After another heated argument, Jon’s wife left their apartment to stay at her parents’ house for a few days. Jon was seeing a therapist whom he started seeing in August after his dad passed. The Army also provided support for Jon and assigned a serviceman to conduct an in-person check at his home after his wife’s sister alerted the Army, but for whatever reason, the serviceman only phoned Jon. He asked Jon how he was doing. “I argued with my wife, but I’m doing fine.” 

Jon’s unresolved marital issue occurred during the COVID-19 epidemic, which isolated Jon even more. His therapist prescribed an antidepressant, but it seemed to do more harm than good.

Jon died by suicide early Easter morning on April 12, 2020, in his apartment. Not only was his suicide tough to swallow, but also how I received the news of his death. For whatever reason, Jon’s brother-in-law, who was a Sergeant in his unit, called my mother first. After my mom told me Jon was dead, I felt as though someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. I never received an explanation for why I wasn’t notified first, and I felt they were withholding information from me. A few weeks after his death, I discovered that Jon had told his wife that he’d be better off dead and even cried to his wife and mother-in-law at the door of their apartment. His wife shared Jon’s comment with his sister, and she informed the Army. But his wife and her family never shared this information with me.

There was no evidence in the investigation of any drugs used, and Jon was never involved with drug use. I blamed myself for Jon's death since I knew he was more depressed than normal, according to his wife. I felt as if I should have known what to do; however, he assured me he was fine, so I dismissed it. At the time, I thought that recommending a home therapist who could see him virtually would be the best option, and Jon refused. I always thought he would be fine with the misconception that he was being taken care of by the military and by his wife and her family.

One of the painful parts of losing someone to suicide is managing the guilt. I felt angry that his wife and mother-in-law did not think it was important to tell me how distraught Jon was about dealing with his marital issues. Knowing that they kept this information from me exacerbated the pain of losing Jon.

A week after Jon’s death, I had a dream about Jon resting as a child in Heaven. He was dressed in white clothes and floating on his back in a narrow channel of water. It was a bright day with blue skies and intermittent white clouds. I felt a tear run down my cheek. As I lifted my hand to wipe it away, his hand touched my cheek and wiped the tear away. At that moment, I knew he was at peace and that I need not worry about him anymore. This dream helped me find peace and also gave me a new outlook on life without Jon. Despite this epiphany, I struggled for the next three years. 

I fell into a funk and lived in a bubble of grief and despair. With each passing year, I experienced different emotions of grief. The first year was a period of denial. When I dove headfirst into my career and took on a role as Coordinator for a Multi-Specialty Medical Group. The second year was full of frustration and anger, and nothing made sense.

I wanted answers that I’d never receive!

In the third year, that sense of peace I had with the dream returned and motivated me to find a healthier way to grieve. I took on a new hobby, gardening. Planting flowers, dividing hostas, and mulching were very therapeutic. The gardening served as a stepping stone towards coming to terms with the reality that my grief wasn’t going anywhere and that it was time to find a healthier way to manage it.

I learned to ride the waves of emotion as they came. It also led me to find and embrace a way to keep Jonathon’s spirit and legacy alive, and the courage to reach out for help and support.

I highly recommend talking with an individual therapist and joining a bereavement group. Finding a therapist that you can connect with is crucial, so if you don’t think it’s a right fit for you, try another and keep trying. I met virtually with an individual therapist through the Veterans Affairs every other week for 3 years and attended Brook’s Place Bereavement Group with my other son. I also contacted Indiana’s Survivor Outreach Services. SOS is an Army program that provides long-term care to surviving family members. The Casualty Assistant Officer assigned to us was very helpful. He referred my family and me to an outreach coordinator who was available any time we needed her. I appreciated how devoted the coordinators have been, and how they have allowed us to share our grief and keep Jon’s legacy going.

In December 2023, I found and read a message that was posted by Hogan Hilling that caught my attention. I often visit Jonathon’s Obituary because some old childhood friends leave new messages after they learn he has died. As I searched through his Obituary page, I noticed a picture of Jon’s Til Valhalla Memorial Plaque and clicked on it. It directed me to a Til Valhalla Facebook post. The post included a message from Hogan.

Hogan shared his story about seeing Jon’s portrait at the Fort Bragg Memorial for Fallen Soldiers. He asked me for permission to include Jonathon’s story in his book and directed me to Preston’s Charm website to learn more about his reason for writing his book. After visiting the website and reading about Preston’s Charm and his mother, Bridget Bagley, I emailed Hogan this message. 

Thank you for pursuing this important initiative to preserve a fallen soldier's legacy. And I'm very sorry for the loss of Bridget's son and understand the pain she lives with daily. You have my permission to add my son, Jonathon, to your book.  

The photo of Sergeant Hackworth that Hogan saw at the Fort Bragg Memorial for Fallen Soldiers

Hogan had been trying to track me down for months, and he was thrilled to finally hear from me.

During our conversation, I mentioned that Jon and Preston served in the same military company and that I had known Preston before meeting Bridget. The last Christmas Jon spent at home in 2018, I noticed him wearing a black bracelet and asked him about it. One of the soldiers in Preston’s and Jon’s Company designed the bracelet for Preston and gave it to Jon and the other soldiers in the Company. He was sad that he wasn’t able to attend Preston’s Memorial Service.

As I learned more about how Bridget channeled her grief through creating Preston’s Charm, I realized there are ways to include happiness in your grief that are everlasting. I also realized that staying positive, even in small moments, will keep Jon’s spirit and legacy alive. I felt a sense of connection with Bridget since her son Preston and Jon had been battle buddies in the same Unit. It was also a serendipitous moment because Bridget and Hogan became an inspiration to me when I needed it most.

A few days later, Bridget and Hogan offered to make 5 of Jonathon’s Charms. Their kind gesture gave me other ways to keep Jon’s spirit and legacy alive. Learning more about Preston’s Charm and its journey inspired me to enroll my golden retriever, Finley, and me in a dog therapy program. I contacted a dog trainer who referred me to Love on a Leash and the Alliance of Therapy Dogs.

After Finley and I graduate, I look forward to choosing an organization where we can share smiles and joy with people, young and old alike, who need help. Connecting with Bridget and Hogan has been a Godsend. Through this pure luck, I’ve found inspiration and friendship in two great people!

Bridget made several of Jonathon’s Charms and sent them to me. Hogan also has one of Jonathon’s Charms, which is hanging on the visor inside his RV as he continues to travel across the USA encouraging people to break the silence and feel comfortable talking about grief any time, any place and with anyone!.