Guest Blog by Michael Kondrat - A Journal of My Ongoing Grief

Charlene and Michael Kondrat

My wife’s phone rang on June 18th, 2024, at 11 pm. After she answered the phone and heard the news, she called someone to wake me. 

Charlene and I were in South Dakota on a Lakota Sioux Reservation serving on a short-term mission trip with our church.  We had traveled from Michigan to volunteer as counselors at a “kids camp” for a one-week session.   

When I arose and got to Charlene’s phone, I hear the somber voice of a caller that identified himself as a Police Officer from my home town and told me the unbelievable news that our son, Paul had been involved in a plane crash at Crescent Lake, 100 miles south of Anchorage, Alaska and that the plane and pilots had not been recovered and that there was no hope of survival. This moment was the beginning of my grief…..It is Day 1. 

With the help of the camp staff, arrangements were made to return home on the next available flight.  After a one-hour drive, we spent the rest of the night at the Rapid City Airport.  Although our flight was not scheduled to depart for six hours, my wife and I could not rest and spent the time crying together and in disbelief about what had happened. My grief continued…..It is Day 2  

The next day was extremely long as we waited for any news from the search teams that were “in the water” trying to locate Paul’s plane. It seems incomprehensible that our son would perish in a plane crash, and we would not be able to recover his body. The grief was unbelievable.  However, by the end of the day, we received the news that the plane had been found and that the next day they would attempt to recover the pilots. It is still Day 2.  

Due to the courage of very brave volunteers from Alaska Dive, Search, Rescue, and Recovery Team, the two pilots were recovered from 190 feet of water.  Although relieved that Paul was found and we would be better able to deal with his accident, the grief was great and getting worse….. It is Day 3. 

The next week, Charlene and I were joined by Paul’s older brother and traveled to Alaska to bring Paul home.   We had a very comforting funeral director who advised us not to view Paul’s body. Due to the extensive damage caused by his accident, we agreed that we wanted to remember how Paul looked in life, not how he looked in death.  

When we arrived at the Funeral Home, the director surprisingly informed us that he had worked on his left hand for viewing. When we were led into the room to be with Paul for the last time, his body was under a shroud, but his left hand was visible to us. The director told us that he worked on his left hand because it is closest to his heart.  It was a moment both sad and tender, and will always be remembered.  Ongoing grief…..It is Day 7.

The following week, our family would travel to Utah to begin finalizing Paul’s affairs: managing his belongings, his car, and his bank accounts, and visiting the courts to obtain the required legal documents to sort out his matters.  My grief continued and seemed to be becoming greater…..It is Day 15.

Arrangements were made to honor Paul at a Celebration of Life Ceremony in our hometown. Songs were chosen, friends and family were asked to speak, the U.S. Marines were scheduled to honor Paul with a flag ceremony, and meetings with our pastor to discuss Paul’s life kept us occupied.  

Paul Kondrat

We were amazed by the support, honors, respect, and love of the 360 friends and acquaintances that attended the Celebration.  Although the day of the Celebration was difficult and my grief was very intense, I felt good that we had honored Paul and that his brother presented a eulogy that identified his attributes and how Paul went through life. All in attendance were challenged to  “Live Like Paul”!  Lots of support today; however, grief can be stronger than support. It is Day 27.

Over the next few months, our routines returned, and life went on as I worked on sorting out Paul’s affairs. Charlene and I began participating in a GriefShare group and found that talking about what we were going through was helpful. The people around us were kind and supportive, and talking about Paul, his life, and his accident was becoming easier, and in a strange way, the discussions felt good…..It is Day 90.

Charlene and I considered canceling a trip to southern Arizona scheduled for two months. After much discussion, we decided to proceed with our travel plans. Paul was an adventurer and an avid traveler, and we knew this was the type of trip he would have encouraged us to experience. 

We left home somewhat skeptical of having a good time, but the idea that we could “get away” from everything would definitely put us in a better “head space,” and that was appealing. A week of riding horses, hiking, shooting skeet, making tortillas, and drinking tequila was good, but returning home and going back to the grind did not dull our ongoing grief.  It is Day… 135.

November was a difficult month as we celebrated Paul’s birthday, Veterans Day, the USMC Birthday, and Thanksgiving.  We were also approaching Christmas, with all the expected triggers and tearful memories.  Grief was growing as anticipation of a rough couple of months ahead.  Grief is still great and growing.  When will it ease up?..... It is Day 170.

The holidays came and went, and we made it through.  We learned that the anticipated grief that we thought we would experience on a special date or event is worse than the actual grief that was experienced.  A lesson learned.  We should “not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.”  Very good advice.

We were very happy to put an end to 2024, the worst year of our lives.  We were grieving into the new year but hoping for better days, bluer skies, and substantial healing…..It is Day 214.

The new year brought us to new grief support groups, the finalization of a college scholarship to honor Paul, travel to the Caribbean and Florida, and increased time volunteering. We are now welcoming the opportunity to talk about Paul.  It is becoming easier to share his remarkable life with others, and we find comfort in our discussions.  A combination of all these activities seems to help with the pain and grief.  Is it possible that we are healing?  I think so…..It is Day 240.

Memorial Day was spent working around the house and yard.  After our dinner, we made a couple of coffees in travel cups, put lawn chairs in the car, and headed to Oakview Cemetery to visit Paul.  It was a tearful time, and Charlene and I talked about the fact that “never in a million years could we believe what had happened”.

We are keenly aware that our lives have been forever changed, and we realize that Paul is no longer with us and that our lives must go on.  We have discussed that if we do not reconcile with our situation, we will be severely grief-stricken for the remainder of our lives.  The tears and sadness are still with us, but we need to gain control of our grief.

We need to live with Paul in our memories.

We need to talk about Paul.

We need to honor Paul.

We need to talk about our grief.

We need to help others in their grief journeys.

It’s Day 341………………….and I think we are starting to reconcile and heal.