Guest Blog by Shirley White - The Grief Never Goes Away

The Grief Never Goes Away by Shirley White (Published in Preston’s Charm book, June 2024.)

Wayne and Shirley White

My name is Shirley White.  I have been married to my high school sweetheart, Wayne, for 35 years, and together we raised two sons here in our native Jacksonville, FL.  Like most families, we had our ups and downs, but I’m very proud of the upbringing we were able to provide our boys. We encouraged them to live their dreams, but always with an impeccable work ethic.  Logan, our oldest, was followed by his brother Spencer, who was almost 3 years younger. They were best friends one week and enemies the next.  As they became men, they had more friends than foes, partly because of the lovely ladies in their lives who encouraged their closeness.

In 2017, Spencer was newly married to Karla and expecting their first child in May 2018. Logan was engaged to Angel, with whom he purchased a home in August of 2017. Their wedding date was set for April 7, 2018. Even though it seemed premature, they had ordered the save-the-date cards. Angel had her bachelorette party at her favorite place on earth, Disney, and Spencer and Karla, who was only 5 weeks pregnant, announced to the family she was pregnant.  It was an incredible moment to watch these brothers embrace, their faces filled with joy.  We soon realized why these things happened: Logan would be gone within a month.

Our boys, like most brothers, were night and day.  The loud, outspoken center of all attention is Logan, and the quieter, more conservative Spencer.  Logan lived his life to the very fullest, a lifetime in 28 years.  He traveled across the country, visited several other countries, skydived, and went to Hawaii.  He had a penchant for adventure and could be reckless in his decisions.  He lived the partying lifestyle for several years until he met Angel. I called her (and still do) my angel because I felt like she would be the one to settle him down, and she did.  They both had great jobs and were working for the future, and with the wedding planning and new home, things were looking brighter than ever. 

The White Family

Logan worked for a logistics company in Jacksonville, made great money, had more friends than most people have in a lifetime, and was his Angel.  His boss asked him to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati, Ohio, to meet clients.  Logan was over the moon.  I travel for work, so he came to me with a range of questions about work etiquette while traveling.  He flew out, met his boss for dinner, and was found dead in his hotel room the next morning, October 20, 2017.  The absolute worst day of my life. 

There wasn’t any evidence of drugs or foul play, and when the autopsy came back, it said “soldier’s plaque” on his heart.  He had used steroids, the wear on his heart from years of living hard, and the intense workout he did that morning all contributed to his heart giving out.  Wayne, Spencer, and I, Angel – we couldn’t even process this. I still have difficulty believing it’s true.  Our grief has been ongoing, and for me, there is a hole that cannot be healed.  To watch him come full circle and then die, that’s excruciating pain. 

Logan always had a buddy for everything.  This buddy, that buddy, he had a story for each of his 100 buddies.  We thought he was full of it.  Nobody has that many buddies.  He proved us wrong when we celebrated his life on 11/1/2017; there were hundreds and hundreds of people there.  Standing room only.  He did have all those buddies.

Since then, his brother, Spencer, has 2 sons of his own. We are eternally grateful for his young family and how much they are in our lives. We see our grandsons almost every weekend.

Angel was in a dark place for a couple of years, but finally met a man who served in the British Royal Navy and stepped off the ship “Queen Elizabeth” in Mayport, FL, for a night out.  They met, visited each other several times over the next few months, and came home after one such visit to London pregnant. 

When we found out she was pregnant with twins, we offered her the downstairs “mother-in-law” suite so she could rent out her house and save money.  No way were we going to let her live by herself pregnant with twins.  She moved in with us in the fall of 2019 and gave birth to healthy baby girls in August 2020.  I still consider her my daughter. We have become close with her husband, Josh, who is incredibly sympathetic to her story and ours, and their girls call my husband and me Didi and Papa (after our grandparents). Shortly after the birth, she moved to London to be with him. The girls and the family are thriving. We often talk about Logan, and I know she will always carry a special place in her heart for him.

Wayne and I have found ways to deal with our grief. One is spending time with the grandbabies. I have also sunk myself into work, and that helps too. I travel the Southeastern U.S. selling and promoting Isokern Fireplaces, a modular fireplace for the custom home market, made of pumice sourced from Iceland, with components that fit together like Legos.  I’ve been with this privately held company for 18 years, and they were extremely supportive during this trauma in our lives.

Being in sales, I realized long ago that the number one rule is to talk to people; you never know who you might be sitting next to or how they could impact your life.  So, on this evening in Pensacola, as I left my hotel and headed across the street to grab some food and perhaps a cocktail, I squeezed in between two people, one of whom was in a heavy conversation with a friend, and the other was Hogan Hilling.  We talked about his very interesting life and mine.  He told me about receiving Preston's charm, and I’m certain I was fighting back tears as I told him the short version of my family experiencing the same awful situation of burying a child.  I was so impressed with Bridget’s idea of the charm that I understand firsthand why she did it.

Logan's Charm

In the weeks and months after Logan died, I worried terribly about him being forgotten.  Spending my days in unspeakable grief, worrying that people would eventually forget, was awful.  The year, the month, the day, his laugh, and his smile while these things were so permanently etched in my brain.  I also noticed that Preston’s time on earth was almost identical to Logan's. Logan was born Dec 88 and died on October 17.  Both are just shy of their 29^th birthdays.

I carry Preston’s Charm in my wallet (alongside my rosary beads) until I find the place or the person worthy of receiving it.  I think about him and Bridget often.  People say really stupid things when you have lost a child or someone close.  Things will get better; time heals all; it’s all bullshit. 

The grief you feel from losing a child never leaves; it only becomes a story you tell. The only thing somebody said to me meaningful during the aftermath was “You know, he’s just one step ahead of you”.  In the long run, this time on earth is short for all of us.  There is a reason God needed him, and there is also a reason He left me here.  I try to make the most of my time, just like Logan did.

Several months later, Hogan visited our family in Jacksonville, Florida. His timing was impeccable. When he called, I told him that I was ready to leave Preston’s Charm somewhere for another person to find, and that I had chosen the location. It was great to spend time with Hogan and share more about our life with and without Logan, and how Preston’s Charm and Logan’s Charm have helped our family manage our grief better and move forward with life.

After Wayne, Spencer, Karla, our grandkids, and I, I took Hogan to lunch, and Hogan and I visited Logan’s Memorial, a bench located next to a small lake at a library. Then we drove to St. Augustine and left Preston’s Charm at the historic little chapel on the grounds of the National Shrine of Our Lady of La Leche at Mission Nombre De Dios.