Stone #1: Talk About Grief Any Time and Any Place Part II

I feel another reason people struggle to talk about grief is that they do not fully understand the trauma that follows grief and the impact it has on a person who has lost a loved one. The word “trauma” originates in Greek and means “wound.” Trauma is not caused by the physical act of death itself, but rather by the deeply distressing and disturbing psychological and emotional responses to the loss.

Here is how Dr. Gabor Maté explains trauma. He is a Canadian physician and author of five books who specializes in childhood development, addiction treatment, and trauma. 

Trauma is not what happened to you; it’s what happened inside of you as a result of what happened to you. In my case, my trauma wasn’t that my mother gave me to a stranger. The trauma is the wound, which is that I perceive myself as not wanted, abandoned, and not loved. The death of a loved one is the physical act that causes the trauma. Grief is the emotional wound that appears inside every person who knew the loved one for the rest of his or her life. 

A physical wound is fully repairable. An emotional wound like grief is not. 

When a person breaks a leg, the doctor places it in a cast to help the bone heal. Once the bone mends, the crack is gone and the leg is fully repaired. 

A wound caused by grief never fully heals, and a person is left managing and caring for it for the rest of his or her life. 

Grief is also not just associated with death. Here is a short list of other types of grief that people overlook.

Jeff’s Story: Our son, Patrick, had been battling alcoholism for several years and refused to attend AA meetings. To help us cope with our son’s alcohol and drug addiction, we sought help from a therapist. 

During one of our sessions, the therapist noted that, in addition to feeling helpless, we were also grieving. “Why would you think we are grieving? Our son isn’t dead.”

“He’s still alive, but you’re grieving the loss of what he could be if he weren’t addicted to alcohol and drugs.” Said the therapist.

The therapist was right, and it was a real eye-opener!

Susan’s Story: After my husband, Martin, received news that he was laid off, we were both devastated. He was grieving the loss of his identity and value as the primary breadwinner, a job he loved for 15 years, and relationships with his co-workers, some of whom became close friends. And together we were grieving the loss of his income, the company parties and social events it hosted, and the family vacations we had planned. It was a tough time, and it took Martin several months to find another job.

Travis’ Story:  In 2021, during the COVID-19 outbreak, I had to shut down my business and suffered a major financial loss. I had no income for a year and had to use my savings to cover my bills. I was emotionally broken. I suffered feelings of anger, shame, helplessness, and despair. I was grieving the loss of income, financial security, relationships with my employees, and customers. I had lost my financial security and dreams for the future. These losses were devastating. Fortunately, I was able to find another job to cover my bills and deposit money into my savings account. 

Nicole’s Story: Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would divorce my husband. But it happened. 

During the divorce recovery workshop I attended, I had heard that divorce is almost as painful as death. While divorce was the end of my marriage, it was also the beginning of my grief, which included feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion, and the “Why Me” question. 

When you divorce, you lose much more than a spouse. I lost a second income, time with the children, friends, future dreams I had with my spouse, and a wonderful life I thought I’d have for the rest of my life. 

The loss of friends during and after the divorce was devastating. Some people felt compelled to take a side. Some don’t want to discuss it with you as if it may be contagious. Some remained neutral and avoided any contact or communication with me, so they were not placed in a position to take a side. My social circle declined by more than 50%, leaving me feeling isolated. 

Dealing with the grief was difficult, but I managed to find healthier and more productive ways that helped me rebuild my life and relationships with my children, and also form a new social circle of friends.

Another example of how people ignore grief is the way our culture responds to and treats people in the military, law enforcement, and the fire department. As Randy Pausch once said, To solve a problem, you need to remove the cause, not the symptom. And also, Ashleigh Warner: beneath every behavior, there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. When we meet that need, rather than focusing on the behavior, we address the cause, not the symptom.

After returning home from battle or leaving the military, the soldiers who fought on the battlefield are mourning the loss of their comrades' deaths as well as their enemies’ deaths. While some soldiers’ grief was the cause of direct warfare and watching their fellow soldiers die, some soldiers' grief was caused indirectly. One soldier who operated a drone missile expressed how he returned home guilt-ridden because he felt responsible for the death of the enemy as well as the innocent people who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

With regards to law enforcement and firefighters, they deal with death every day and are never given opportunities to discuss the trauma and grief they experience from what they witness at a brutal crime scene, shoot-out, fatal car accident, or fire. Instead of providing veterans, policemen, and firemen with an open ear, empathy, and a support system to learn how to talk about and manage the grief, medical experts diagnose them with PTSD and prescribe medication, and ignore the grief. Sadly, some of these men and women wind up committing suicide.

I strongly believe that society can prevent many of these suicides by providing a grief support system that offers a safe, trusting environment without medication and analysis by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Most people, especially men, dealing with trauma just need a safe and trusting place to vent. Venting and being heard help them release their anxiety and also give them time to reboot their brains to help them heal and move forward with their lives in a healthy and productive manner.

Talking about grief is one way to heal the wound. Yet most people avoid discussing it, which makes the wound feel worse. Not caring for a wound as instructed by a doctor can lead to infection and serious physical harm. So, not talking about grief in a healthy manner will cause emotional harm that affects a person’s mood and decision-making.

In the next blog, Part III of Talk About Grief Any Time and Any Place, I’ll share how mental health experts and support groups have unintentionally enabled people to only discuss grief during one-on-one therapy or in structured small support groups.

Let’s Talk Grief Seeks Your Support

If you’re not happy with the traditional model of managing grief and are seeking a healthier way to grieve, I invite you to join the Let’s Talk Grief™ Movement by making a donation on the Let’s Talk Grief™ website's Donate Page.

Together Let’s Break the Silence and Heal With Grace, Peace, and Harmony!